I’ve been using Tinder for about 3 years now. During that time, I’ve deleted and re-downloaded the app more times than I would admit even if it got me acquitted of a murder I didn’t commit. I don’t care. Send me to prison. I won’t snitch.
But Tinder is no longer a guilty pleasure. It’s a legitimate way to find love (or get laid, or find a penpal). People have met their soulmates on Tinder. They’ve gotten married, had children, found true happiness with one another. I personally know how they feel. In January, one of my matches bought me a steak. Just last month, another got me a pineapple. It’s literally a life-changing app. So, I want you to take it seriously. I want you to cut the shit, and make your Tinder profile worth swiping right for. Because you deserve those matches. You deserve to be happy. You deserve a pineapple.
But it’s not always easy. I know this. Which is why I’ve made you this flawless and glamorous list of all the Tinder mistakes that you’re still making.
Using low-quality pictures
Your picture line-up shouldn’t look like it was taken by your grandma who can’t see very well and who also hates you. When choosing pictures, go for ones that are lit well, that are focused and don’t look like they were only recently rescued from the decaying remains of the Titanic. What if you don’t have many good quality pictures of yourself? Well then do something about it. Ask your friends and family to take more pictures of you when you’re out having fun, or take some yourself. Don’t make me tell you again.
Having nothing in your bio
This isn’t the time to be mysterious. You just seem lazy. A good set of pictures with no bio? That’s like having a slice of cake with no second slice of cake on top of that. Why even bother? It’s fucking insulting is what that is. We don’t need an essay, just a bit of You Trivia: Who you are, what you get up to, what your soul looks like, what you’re looking for. Just a little something to get us interested.
Having something dumb in your bio
This is even worse than having nothing. With nothing, we can only assume that you’re a huge idiot who we hate. With something dumb… we can know that for sure. So ditch that shitty joke about being willing to lie about where we met. Don’t get me wrong! Jokes are good. But when it’s the same joke we’ve seen fourteen times today, it’s not doing you any favors. Let it go.
Using a sleazy opening line
When starting a conversation on Tinder, it helps to imagine that your beloved grandma will read it. Yes. Sweet old Noni will see EVERYTHING. And how would Grams feel seeing you tell Trisha (who likes baking and dogs and learning dolphin trivia) that she has “nice tits lol” or describing in incredible and unnecessary detail what you would do to “that ass.” That kind of content could kill Nana. So if you’re looking to sext from the get-go then maybe use a different app, or build and program your own horny robot. Either works for us.
Being impatient with your matches
You know that being on Tinder isn’t our job, right? We have other shit going on. Acting like we’re careless for not keeping on top of our conversations is rude and irritating. If someone’s not replying, but they’ve not unmatched you then a prompting “hi” is totally fine (anything after that you can probably just give up). But don’t be pushy or rude or impatient about it.
Using too many group pictures
LISTEN I’M NOT HERE TO SOLVE MYSTERIES. IF I WANTED TO DO WORK, I WOULD GET A REAL JOB INSTEAD OF BEING A WRITER. BUT HERE I AM. Honestly, it’s like… stop being unreasonable. A couple of (reasonably sized) group pictures are fine. It shows you have friends and have been outside at least once (BIG thumbs up). But DEFINITELY don’t use a large group pic as your first picture because WHY would you, and what the HELL is wrong with you, and why do you LOVE making bad decisions and upsetting EVERYONE?
Posing with guns or fish
These objects really narrow down the kind of woman who’s going to be interested in swiping right. With guns… just yikes. With fish…ummmm. Listen. It’s not that we hate fish. They’re cool. We respect them, and wish the best for them. But for some reason, we don’t want to see them in your photos. Like literally all the women I spoke to said that a fish picture is an immediate turn-off. I’m sorry. I really am. I hate hurting you like this, but you needed to know. So ditch the fish pic. Release it… like a fish. Wow. A stunning and relevant simile by me. The world’s best writer.
Only having one picture
Who do you think you are? Some kind of… some sort of… yeah. Whatever. We hate it. It’s arrogant. It’s suspicious. Are you a ghost who was only in one photo before he was killed in a freak vending machine accident? Or do you just not respect us enough to give us a wide selection of photos to judge you by. Either way, it makes you seem selfish and withholding. It’s a terrible moment when we go to swipe to see more pictures, and we get nothing. That’s a betrayal is what that is.
Talking shit about other girls
If your bio is some long gross list of things you hate in a woman, we’ll almost always swipe left. It’s not a cool or interesting quality to be incredibly judgmental of the harmless stuff that women do. “No tattoos please!!” “I hate nose piercings.” “Selfies turn me off!” Shit like that just makes you seem like an old wizard who used dark magic to steal a young man’s body. Which is also super uncool. We hate when guys do that.