Donald Trump Reassures Americans About His Planned War Crimes | Gradient

Donald Trump Reassures Americans About The Size of His, Uh, Planned War Crimes

Reasonable man Donald Drumpf was on a debate stage in Detroit Thursday night in which he took a bold, principled stand against rumors that he has a small dick. “Look at those hands,” he said, his voice thundering with the confidence of a man prepared to accept the mantle as leader of the free world. “Are they small hands? If they’re small, something else must be small. I guarantee there’s no problem. I guarantee you.”

America may have breathed a sigh of relief, but area man Marco Rubio who, lest we forget, was the first presidential candidate to actually drag Drumpf’s dick into this election season, is going to have to get his team of fact checkers back to the drawing board to find something else to criticize Drumpf for besides his manhood.

Something you won’t be able to criticize Drumpf for? War crimes. He won’t have any of it, as he made clear on Thursday. When asked how he would handle the very likely reality that the U.S. military would refuse to follow his proposal to “go after terrorists’ families,” Drumpf again soothed worried American minds: “They won’t refuse me.” Either Drumpf has some heretofore undisclosed power to know the future, or this was a fascist threat. Either way, next question!

This all stemmed from a hugely strategic, bewilderingly concentrated attack on the part of Fox News and the other presidential candidates to bring Drumpf down, and Megyn Kelly took point. Utilizing old video clips and photographic evidence, Drumpf was called out again and again on his shifting views and apparent contradictions, occasionally leaving him red-faced and floundering. Did he back down from any of his blustering lies? Will it slow his march to the nomination? Will his poll numbers soar to new heights following his disastrous performance? Sort of, maybe and undoubtedly so, if we had to guess today. In any case, it was fun to watch.