Sexting is great. I don’t care what anyone says. I’m sexting right now, and you can’t stop me because it’s Human Rights.
Sexting is the future of sex. In the past, when you had a crush on someone you had to send them a letter or a parchment drawing of your boobs. You’d give it to a cloaked man on a horse in the middle of the night, and then you had to wait 14 years for it to even get there and by then you were both DEAD. It’s different now. You feel a type of way; you just gotta get your phone out of your pocket or your bra or wherever you keep it, and boop boop boop (that’s the phone sounds) YOU’VE DONE A SEXT. Just like that you’ve fired off an iMessage to 16 different consenting adults telling them you want to cover their **** in **** and flip a *** over on the ******* and everyone is so angry, but you’re **** of *** so you don’t care. It’s amazing, and I love it.
Literally, what are phones for if they’re not for sexting? Phone calls? Emailing? You’re crazy. They’re for googling pictures of dogs wearing tuxedos and for sexting. THAT’S IT. That’s why Steve Jobs invented the telephone for in 1695. Please learn a book, and don’t be so ignorant to me.
I can tell you’re not convinced. That’s fine. You’re a ridiculous and unreasonable person; I knew that going in. So, here’s the good stuff. Here’s why sexting is fantastic, and you will never stop me from doing it. Let’s go.
It’s a long distance relationship saver.
Welcome to 2016. Robots are real, and there are at least 46 planes worldwide. You can go wherever you want. And meet the most incredible people and even fall in love with some of them. In the old days, you stayed in the town where you were born and ended up marrying your cousin from down the road, and then you both just DIED 45 minutes later from two different plagues. It sucked.
But now you don’t have to live like that. You can stop dating your cousins now. Please stop it. Stop.
But with that freedom of movement comes a whole new set of problems. One of them being that the person you love is now 7,000 miles away and in an entirely different time zone. So what are you going to do whilst you wait to be together again? Write heartfelt emotional messages? Talk about your hopes and dreams? Not on my watch, you’re going to sext 24/7 like horny robots.
When it’s good – it’s so good. When it’s bad? Airplane mode.
It’s not like in real life when you’re having bad sex, and you have to make a crazy excuse to leave or just pretend to die or whatever. Just turn off notifications, and play that Annoyed Birds game. But it can be so great. SO GREAT, YOU GUYS. A confident, well-crafted, perfectly-timed sext is art. YES, sexting can be awkward. It has the potential to be embarrassing and starting out we all feel totally weird and exposed. But having someone say fuck it and taking that journey with you? That’s a pretty cool gesture. Best case scenario you’ll have a lot of fun, you’ll learn more about the other person, you’ll come out of it closer and more into each other. Or you’ll want to throw your phone into the river and shower 16 times.
It’s a fun gamble. Like in the Annoyed Birds game when you throw the bird at the sticks, and maybe you win a prize or maybe you don’t. Just like that.
It’s a way for people who are disabled or recovering from trauma to ease into a sexual relationship.
Sex isn’t easy for everyone. If you’re blessed enough to be someone for who sex has never been traumatic, difficult, or even impossible, then good for you. But that’s not how it is for everybody. Sex isn’t as simple as it is in porn. It’s never just like the pizza man comes, and you don’t have the right change, and oh look at that his penis fell in you, and there’s pepperoni everywhere. It involves obstacles, false starts. It involves levels of communication that might seem ridiculous to someone who’s never had those things to consider. But they’re not ridiculous; they’re a necessary part of safe sex for so many people. Sexting can help nurture a kind and trusting relationship between people who can’t rush into sex for whatever reason. It can mean a sexual relationship can flourish even when you can’t physically do it, which is pretty groovy in my scientific opinion.
It’s not just for perverts.
This one might not be true. I can’t confirm. I just know I love it. Let’s move on.
It gives you an idea of what to expect – and if it’s even worth going there for real.
If you’re sexting a guy, and all he talks about is turning you over and going at you like a horny dog on a pillowcase full of beef jerky, then you can pretty safely assume that sex with him isn’t going to be earth shattering. So sexting is kind of like an audition for the main event. Be the Simon Cowell of all your sexual interactions. Okay, I take that back, because it’s disgusting, and I hate it. No – more like sexting is a dry run for the real thing. Nope. That’s even worse. Oh god. Forget it.
Who even has time for casual sex these days?
I have two jobs besides writing. I have to brush my teeth in the shower. I don’t remember what a good night’s sleep feels like. My car is covered in crumbs. I ate my cereal in the bath yesterday. That last one wasn’t to save time, I just really wanted to try it. Point is it’s 2016; nobody actually has time for “sex” anymore. And even if they did, the world is hell. It’s the absolute worst. The economy is in the toilet. House prices are through the roof. North Korea is definitely up to some shenanigans. If you have enough time to have sex in between panic attacks then good for you, but you’re definitely not normal.
Sexting is a way to get your jollies without even having to leave the house. You can feel sexy and desired without having to change out of your sweatpants or put down your macaroni. You work hard, and you deserve that. You DESERVE IT ALL.
So go forth and boop boop boop each other. If it helps your irl sex life like I told you it would, then I’m thrilled for you. Don’t thank me, please. I don’t do it for that. Just sent me a huge gift basket of cheese and one million dollars. That’s all I need. I just want you to be happy and satisfied because you’re my best friend, and I love you.