Why Did Ted Cruz Have So Much Trouble Holding Carly Fiorina’s Hand? Gradient Investigates. | Gradient
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Why did Ted Cruz have so much trouble holding Carly Fiorina’s hand? Gradient investigates.

Ted Cruz, always one to show off his impressive human skills, attempted to add hand-holding while campaigning in must-win Indiana. It went, well, I don’t know. They say practice makes perfect, right?

Like holding a viable chance of winning the Republican nomination, or holding his boogers, holding hands did not go as planned. But, why? Why did he have so much trouble? The people need to know, and Gradient is a website for the people.

First Possibility: Sweaty palms from excessive fast food:

Fatty foods can make you sweat, says Science®. Last night, Ted Cruz showed he was listening to the pre-diabetic cries of our nation’s increasingly obese youth, doubling down on his promise to restore cafeteria french fries in America’s public schools. Has Ted been living out the dreams of our children in the fast food aisle too much? Did sweaty, swarmy palms make it difficult for his running mate to properly latch for their handshake?

If so, Michelle Obama — the picture of physical fitness — had the last laugh.

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Second Possibility: He did not wipe the remaining blood off his hands from his Zodiac-killing spree.

Ted Cruz is a great politician and usually comes into every situation with the utmost preparation. That’s why we’re very curious to see if his first major gaffe, of all things, would be forgetting to wipe the blood off the people he murdered in Northern California during the late 1960s.

Ted Cruz, I know you have a lot on your plate, but get some Purell. You’re better than this.

Third Possibility: Carly Fiorina wants to hold Ted’s hand as much as we do.

Former Speaker of the House John Boehner described Cruz as “Lucifer in the flesh” and get this: It wasn’t even the first time. In response, literal Satanists were like, “Whoa buddy, don’t pin Ted Cruz on us!”

Republicans don’t want him. The followers of the Prince of Darkness avoid guilt by association with Ted Cruz. Chris Christie endorsed Donald Trump over Cruz, a decision so stunning we’re still worried someone held him against his will. Maybe Fiorina’s recent proximity to Ted reminded her why she ran against him in the first place, and her own body rebelled against his touch?

This isn’t funny anymore. Carly Fiorina is in trouble. Send help.

New Pod Flow: Sounds Good With Branden Harvey “Jason Russell”

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Jason is the cofounder of the iconic non-profit Invisible Children which was founded to increase awareness of the horrendous activities of the LRA in Central Africa. Jason was also the director of the iconic Kony 2012 film that took the world by storm. In this two-part interview Jason and Branden talk about what it means to create a movement, what Jason experienced during his breakdown and subsequent recovery, and Jason’s experience in the world of theater.

New Pod Flow: Animalators, “ Aharon Rabinowitz”

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Aharon Rabinowitz is the head of marketing for Red Giant based in New York City. During our conversation, we discussed the importance of work life balance, his start as a production intern at Sesame Street and why artist’s feel personally offended when you reject their work.

New Pod Flow: In Case You Missed It, Episode 040

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United gets their cheap on, fake news, and Trump hired who?

New Pod Flow: Scribble & Jam, “Artist Matthew Perryman Jones”

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Welcome to Episode IV. This week, Dan spends some time with his favorite singer/songwriter, Matthew Perryman Jones. Matthew and Dan talk about panic attacks, growing up in Atlanta, the way music is informed by pain and suffering and the way music gives freedom.

If you have spent any time watching television in the last decade you have most likely heard one of Mattew’s songs on shows like Grey’s Anatomy, Pretty Little Liars, One Tree Hill and many others. His insightful writing and voice have drawn comparisons to Leonard Cohen and Jeff Buckley, and he is on the short list of songwriters who skillfully weave the deeply philosophical and the vivid utterly human without ever losing sight of either.

To get his new album Cold Answer, (which features the three songs from him you heard on this episode), visit MPJmusic.com.

Subscribe on iTunes.

New Pod Flow: Sounds Good With Branden Harvey “Next Steps After the Presidential Election”

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Branden sits down with writer and speaker Tyler Huckabee days after Donald Trump was elected President of the United States to talk about empathy, justice, listening, and where we go from here.

New Pod Flow: In Case You Missed It, Episode 039

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Special Election Edition, President Trump to legalized weed and everything in between.

This week we reflect on the election and discuss our strategies for staying sane.

New Pod Flow: Animalators, “Illo

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Luca and Ilenia are the founders of Illo, a studio based in Turin, Italy.  During our conversation, we discussed their self-driving video bot named Algo, how Illo was formed and how they’ve crafted a unique office culture.

New Pod Flow: In Case You Missed It, Episode 038

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This week we discuss Beyonce’s night at the CMAs, last minute election plans and how SNL might save us all.

Subscribe on iTunes and Stitcher.

New Pod Flow: It’s a Bird, It’s a Plane, It’s a Podcast: Doctor Strange

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We appreciate everyone sticking with us through this long hiatus but are planning our return even as we speak, with a bunch of new goodies and an updated format. In the meantime, here’s a brief primer on Marvel’s Sorcerer Supreme, Doctor Strange — just so you can go into the movie knowing what you’re getting yourself into.

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