Why Did Ted Cruz Have So Much Trouble Holding Carly Fiorina’s Hand? Gradient Investigates. | Gradient

Why did Ted Cruz have so much trouble holding Carly Fiorina’s hand? Gradient investigates.

Ted Cruz, always one to show off his impressive human skills, attempted to add hand-holding while campaigning in must-win Indiana. It went, well, I don’t know. They say practice makes perfect, right?

Like holding a viable chance of winning the Republican nomination, or holding his boogers, holding hands did not go as planned. But, why? Why did he have so much trouble? The people need to know, and Gradient is a website for the people.

First Possibility: Sweaty palms from excessive fast food:

Fatty foods can make you sweat, says Science®. Last night, Ted Cruz showed he was listening to the pre-diabetic cries of our nation’s increasingly obese youth, doubling down on his promise to restore cafeteria french fries in America’s public schools. Has Ted been living out the dreams of our children in the fast food aisle too much? Did sweaty, swarmy palms make it difficult for his running mate to properly latch for their handshake?

If so, Michelle Obama — the picture of physical fitness — had the last laugh.



Second Possibility: He did not wipe the remaining blood off his hands from his Zodiac-killing spree.

Ted Cruz is a great politician and usually comes into every situation with the utmost preparation. That’s why we’re very curious to see if his first major gaffe, of all things, would be forgetting to wipe the blood off the people he murdered in Northern California during the late 1960s.

Ted Cruz, I know you have a lot on your plate, but get some Purell. You’re better than this.

Third Possibility: Carly Fiorina wants to hold Ted’s hand as much as we do.

Former Speaker of the House John Boehner described Cruz as “Lucifer in the flesh” and get this: It wasn’t even the first time. In response, literal Satanists were like, “Whoa buddy, don’t pin Ted Cruz on us!”

Republicans don’t want him. The followers of the Prince of Darkness avoid guilt by association with Ted Cruz. Chris Christie endorsed Donald Trump over Cruz, a decision so stunning we’re still worried someone held him against his will. Maybe Fiorina’s recent proximity to Ted reminded her why she ran against him in the first place, and her own body rebelled against his touch?

This isn’t funny anymore. Carly Fiorina is in trouble. Send help.

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Welcome to Episode IV. This week, Dan spends some time with his favorite singer/songwriter, Matthew Perryman Jones. Matthew and Dan talk about panic attacks, growing up in Atlanta, the way music is informed by pain and suffering and the way music gives freedom.

If you have spent any time watching television in the last decade you have most likely heard one of Mattew’s songs on shows like Grey’s Anatomy, Pretty Little Liars, One Tree Hill and many others. His insightful writing and voice have drawn comparisons to Leonard Cohen and Jeff Buckley, and he is on the short list of songwriters who skillfully weave the deeply philosophical and the vivid utterly human without ever losing sight of either.

To get his new album Cold Answer, (which features the three songs from him you heard on this episode), visit MPJmusic.com.

Subscribe on iTunes.

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This week we reflect on the election and discuss our strategies for staying sane.

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Subscribe on iTunes and Stitcher.

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